The Earmold

Lawmakers say Deaf people should “just listen better”. WASHINGTON D.C. - Voting along party lines, lawmakers today took the first step toward their goal of rolling back the national healthcare system known as Obamacare by removing Deafness from list of preexisting conditions. "If you need a hearing aid, just go out and buy one. Get a credit card" said a congressman who makes $7.2 million annually from gun sales and voted in favor of the bill.  "My mother thought she was deaf for a whole weekend, then she just cleaned the wax from her ears. If she could do it, probably most other deaf people can do it and earwax is not a life-threatening condition" said another "yea" voting Representative who also lobbied to remove Cancer saying that "was just God's way of telling you, you've lived too long" "This bit of legislation is just another example of how they're all corporate puppets and funded by super-pacs and all...

Deaf community shocked at how bad the story actually is. BURBANK, CA - The Offices at Disney are hushed. For once, the elephant in the room has a name. It's name is Dumbo.  In an effort to attract a wider audience, Disney sent out CC packages to national theatres Friday. "We thought that a good wholesome remake would strike a chord with young vulnerable audiences who just don't fit in. Like deaf kids" Said a marketing strategist who declined to share their name. Yet, the effect has been just the opposite.  "I thought it was amazing the first time because of the visuals, but now I see that it is just an empty rehashing of the same story without any of the subtext that the original had" signed Ally McJones, a DHH woman. "I wish I could unsee the captions, I liked it so much better before when I had no idea that there were subplot points that made no sense" said a small deaf child.  The overall feeling in the deaf community is one...

“I had no idea that she was muttering under breath the entire time because she was smiling. I just thought she was humming” VANCOUVER, BC - Canadian man Jacob Tenney was shocked today when he found out that his 4 and a half year marriage was based on a lie. "Most marriages are full of fighting, so I thought we were doing pretty well" said Mr. Tenney, a cable repairman. "Carol is always smiling, and dinner is always hot, so I thought we were good. I mean she was a little rough with the dishes but she is always humming, so I never thought anything of it" he remarked as a single tear rolled down his cheek.  Wife, Carol, initially refused comments to the Earmold but she finally returned an email saying "Our marriage is the marriage he deserves" when pressed for reasons why he was failing to meet her expectations she simply replied "I read that most married couples that fight end up getting divorced, and I can't afford to be single. Bes...

Apple CEO Tim Cook says “we are proud to represent the Deaf community with an AI that Deaf people can relate to” SAN FRANCISCO, CA - Tim Cook has always been about inclusiveness. In 2015, the tech giant won the hearts of disabled people everywhere by teaching his beloved AI that all it takes to start a conversation with a disabled person was a simple 'Hi'. However, this broad approach left one group starkly alone and marginalized: the deaf community. "'Hi' wasn't good enough for a deaf person, we felt like our needs weren't being heard. And if the deaf can't be heard, what then?" said Craig Johnson, a Hard of Hearing programmer who helped the Earmold obtain actual facts. Since that time, Siri's voice recognition software has been getting more and more inaccurate, transcribing things like "pull this cord" to "pubic sword". While most of the world thought this was simply another example of how Tim Cook seeks pr...

“Deaf people are clearly out to make us look bad; always getting people to ask them if they’re ‘retarded or something’” WASHINGTON D.C. - The Deaf Community is in shock today as Carl Filbert, a 27-year-old mentally disabled man, filed a class action lawsuit against 'Deaf People' for alleged defamation. Because of his disability, the lawsuit was filed by his brother who has acting power of attorney. This means he has control over all of Carl's life. Money and all. Carl's brother, Marv, was unavailable for comment as he is still fighting a lengthy alimony lawsuit with his ex-Wife in Florida as well as Bankruptcy proceedings.  The 49-page document alleges that the Deaf Community has been 'purposely feigning ignorance and lesser functions specifically to disturb the day-to-day life of non-disabled people and to inflame sentiments towards the mentally disabled community' When approached by the Earmold, Carl simply reiterated that his name was Carl and ...

The affliction, which affects some 37 Million Americans, beat out Cerebral Palsy and Tourettes to claim top spot among diseases which men and women would reportedly ‘still smash’ as it claims dominion over the sufferer’s fragile human form. THURSDAY - Nyle DiMarco accepted this award on behalf of hot deaf people everywhere and thanked the disabled community for the confidence and participation.   "I feel like deafness has the puppy dog vulnerability of Cerebral Palsy but you can actually wipe your own ass" said DiMarco on the red carpet.  More on this story as it develops...

Suspects claim they “didn’t know he was using his inside voice” BROOKLYN,  NEW YORK - The tranquility of the first quiet spring afternoon in Brooklyn was shattered when an angry mob of nerds dragged an unsuspecting hard-of-hearing man who was chatting with the store clerk about the popular film released Yesterday morning.  The alleged attackers say they had been waiting all year to see the film and were killing time at the mall before heading to the theatre.  "It's been tough to get tickets, and we all work. Except for Jared. We were so stoked to see i t, and then... we had to go to battle. We didn't know he was trying."  This incident h as been highly divisive. While there has been an outpouring of thoughts and prayers to the victim, many ardent fans side with the attackers. "Deaf or not, he should have known better. Keep your excitement in till after the weekend." Said one High School student.  Deaf discrimination and violence is a real p...

  In a tweet, now deleted, Trump claimed “Sneaky Pete is   a fake dem.  I love deaf people.  I’ve been using   Sign Language since before I won the election!” NEW YORK, NEW YORK - The deaf community was split today over the reaction of President Trump to Presidential hopeful Pete Buttigieg. While many of our community feel embraced and loved, others feel that this is just more pandering to his base. "I don't know, I mean how do we know he's not just lying again?" Said one California man. "I love it, he knows us. He knows us like he knows China." Said a Texas woman. Still others didn't feel there was enough information to make a fully informed opinion.  As of publishing, the White House and the Office of Mayor Buttigieg have yet to comment.